it hurts to look at you

Oh, Jared. I cannot find the words to reflect my distress.

Oh, yes I do.

Thanks to Kanye, courtesy of Idolator, courtesy of Vulture, I had to see this today. I'm all about collaborations, even those I never could have imagined, but this... this is not quite what I had in mind.

Because you're frakking Jordan Catalano. You're JORDAN F**KING CATALANO. Many teenage fantasies are built around the legend of Jordan Catalano, and all unattainable adolescent crushes have become less Dylan McKay, and all about Jordan Catalano. Not one single male character set in high school since has surpassed Jordan Catalano in what everything the guitarist-turned-vocalist of Frozen Embryos/Residue stands for (yes, not even Daniel Desario or Pacey Witter).

This is how I will always fondly remember you:



Sure, I accept that you can't be a teen idol forever, everyone has to grow up sometime. I even allowed the uglification for your roles in Fight Club and Panic Room. I heart you most when you're showing off your beautiful face (see: Last of the High Kings, American Psycho).

I accept 30 Seconds to Mars, because every guy who ever went through adolescence at one point wants to become a rock star, and let your band be the reality of Frozen Embryos (sidebar: "Red" is awesome).

So the band thing is fine. The sometimes-uglification can be acceptable.

Not this:

photo courtesy of Kanye West blog

What's with the Nickelback look, Jared? It doesn't (didn't?) work on Chad Kroeger, I assure you it doesn't work on you.