Alright, Snake Eyes. I'm gonna plunk down some good money to see you as played by Ray Park, so you better damn kick Storm Shadow's ass.
Although, seriously, can anything beat this opening montage:
Look at it. It's got jet packs(!), personal flight pods, an aerial flight carrier, explosions at the Statue of Liberty, and a gratuitous crotch shot at 0:38.
Not to mention, when Snake-Eyes does that awesome stunt at 1:45, that's like... my love is like whoa.
And you don't get a better hero lineup shot than that one on top of the Statue of Liberty.
The only thing missing is to change the music to Team America's America: Fuck Yeah! song, and we're done.
The movie itself was shit, of course, because I didn't imagine Jinx was such a girl, and the Roadblock-Cobra Commander bromance was just eww. And we all know that the show was going downhill the moment Serpentor came into the picture, so an entire hour or so all about him was not such a good idea. And who cares about Tunnel Rat and that basketball player (I'm not even going to Google his name, dammit)? That's right, nobody.
Now, if you hate that opening song as much as I do, here's the one from the TV series:
You've got to admit, you don't get a more diverse cast than them Joes, 'cause with Quick Kick (the most pointless action figure ever, coming with little more than a fucking knife), Alpine, Spirit and Gung-Ho, that's an Asian-American, African-American, Native American, and the gayest man alive.
And, on the theme song: clearly, the Joes overlooked water as a viable threat. Tsk, tsk: bad Joes, bad.
But, yes, nothing beats the death of Optimus Prime in the Transformers movie in terms of childhood cartoon-based trauma. (For childhood trauma in general, I'd like to refer you to Stephen King's It.)
P.S. Please don't make a live-action movie for Mask. (Yes, Speedbump, I mean the cartoon, and not that Eric Stoltz movie. Heh.)
ETA (after seeing the movie): OK. Ray Park gets a pass. Snake-Eyes and Storm Shadow delivered. JoGoLev and Christopher Eccleston are acceptable as villains. The movie was incredibly boring and predictable, with only passable special effects and not-thrilling action sequences. I actually liked Sienna Miller here, but the Joes can go frak off (except for Snake-Eyes, because Snake-Eyes is love).
It's G.I.Joe, and we know them the "real American hero". What's with the cross-cultural hero line, people?
And good God, the love story. It recalls some whining I heard about The Matrix, that the Neo-Trinity romance was so forced, but at least it fit the story. This time... argh. The Baroness is NOT American. Dammit!
Also: WTF was up with having lips on Snake-Eyes' mask? Major fail.
But: Brendan Fraser cameo!
[images borrowed from CollegeHumor.com]
No comments:
Post a Comment