oh, hell, no.

You did not do that to Jazz. If you saw the Transformers movie, you will understand my distraught. I don't care if Jazz is everyone's bitch, he's a frakking Porsche 935. As a child all I wanted for a car was Jazz.

The changing of Bumblebee from a VW Beetle to a Camaro, I can understand. A little. From what I understand, VW just didn't want to give the rights to do it. Well, whatever.

Well, here's the thing. I had high expectations for this movie. A Michael Bay summer movie with Steven Spielberg guiding them through? It's like a sure bet.

I mean, Megatron is no longer a robot turning into a gun that magically fits in Starscream's hand. Sure, I can forgive that Megatron turns into a jet, although a tank would've been more fitting. No Soundwave, too, because who'd know what a boombox is nowadays?

So I figured it was going to be good.

But it wasn't. Not really.

Yes, your inner 80's child will wax rhapsodic about the cars transforming with that familiar sound, but them robots are not cute. And, okay, the special effects were wicked.

But first, the things that bothered me before I watched the movie.
- No Prowl. The police car in the movie? That's a Decepticon. You bastards.
- Bumblebee is not a Bee. Come on.
- A love story? Really? did you have to?
- Why don't I recall half of the Decepticon army?
- The Autobots don't have a single aerial robot?

Then there were the trailers.
Speedbump, we must watch Order of the Phoenix. Yes, there's no more Cedric Diggory for me to lust after, but Helena Bonham Carter, Ralph Fiennes and Gary Oldman altogether is too good to resist.
The Bourne Ultimatum looks good. Although I can probably just wait for that on HBO, or something.

And then the movie.
- Bastards make you wait to see Megatron, Prime, Starscream, Jazz, and the rest of the toy line.
- You could've done away with the love story, people. Seriously.
- When those cars transform, your inner child want the toys so badly.
(Sidebar: when I was younger, my cousin and I had Transformer toys. The most movable parts in any of my toys was ten. One of his had at least 25. I never envied him for a toy as badly as I wanted that space carrier.)
- Starscream isn't whiny. But Megatron does give him shit, so that's okay.
- Hooray. You got the guy who did Optimus Prime's voice on the cartoons for the movie. Now please make him shut up.
- Hey, innocent bystanders: there's a bunch of robots fighting down the street. Run for your frakking lives, man. Don't wait for them to start fighting outside your window before you start screaming your head off. Also? Run.
(Sidebar, part two: During this whole sequence of Autobots-vs-Decepticons battle royale, I kept going back to Wayne's World, where they ask the people carrying a piece of glass what they're doing, and the guy answers that they're just doing it back and forth, alongside the crates and fruits, in case a big car chase happens by. Or something like that. Hmm. Must view Wayne's World again soon.)
- "More Than Meets the Eye"? If you go into the movie hoping for more than popcorn summer movie courtesy of Mr. Bay, forget about it. It is what it is. But, hey, it's better than The Island.

Watch it for the whimsy and to witness what Prime would look like in real life. And be thankful you're not a parent of some little boy who'll have to buy the toys.

So.

Just recently, I read something that reminded me how much I loved The Transformers. Something about the ultimate geek fantasy would be if after Luke Skywalker guided those missiles into the whatchamacallit of the Death Star, the Death Star suddenly transformed into Unicron and kicked the bejesus out of the rebellion.

Those two images fit, and work well together, because everybody remembers those images. We were all quite proud of young Skywalker when he listened to the voice in his head that sounded like Alec Guinness, and then there's this badass planet that can ruin all your good work. We walked away from those movies with lasting impressions.

Transformers doesn't really give us that.

I walked away from Transformers thinking:
a) Jazz!!!!
b) Starscream better have his posse of jets in the sequel.
c) Why couldn't Optimus Prime be the strong, silent type of leader?
d) Shia LeBeouf must make the producers of Even Stevens proud.

And, okay. C, wherever you are: your beloved truck, long winded as he is, actually kicks some serious Decepticon ass. You'd be proud.



Starscream, you try my patience with your stupidity.
- Megatron to Starscream (Transformers cartoon)



By the way, Hugo Weaving, who does the voice of Megatron, was the second V for V for Vendetta. They didn't really re-shoot, so in some scenes? That could've been James Purefoy you were watching.
Also on V for Vendetta: Adrian Finnighan. A CNN anchor. Playing? A news anchor.